A Plague of Hat Racks
‘Here they bally come the knockers!’
Eugune Swanbriggs, 48, clutching his steering hoop like a swan of cribs, sitting stupidly in the car seat of leathers, red and yoghurt, freshly thrown from his Studs Bearcat after colliding with a Scot, had more than a sack cloth of wasps on his mind that day. He had grazed his knees in the whole cart wheeling automobile action, and was not interested in talking to anybody about turnpikes. Not this afternoon.
And what an afternoon. The umbrellas were out on shopping expeditions, and the cake shops were stocking their mounds of sponge with shovel heaps of wealthy black smelling grape clumps, all of them singing like mouthfuls of porridge, all of them crumbling with sugars and wines and apple smelling wasps of tea. The moths were trawling the rivers and the boats of gowns were spangling up stream , running through universities of granite like windows of lonely people. But Swanbriggs was not enjoying any of it. He spent seven minutes collecting up different kinds of all the wits that had fallen out of his blazer, and began to think carefully about what to do with the left overs of his car, scattered around the grey fridge of road he had misjudged so diligently.
Minutes before the knockers came hurling over the tops of the road smoking like cheeses, the idea of top hats leapt like mahogany into the nether valves of Swanbriggs’ flailing brain. Despite everything that was to come, the parliament, the theatres, the vegetable chairs, it was this idea that went damp the fastest. As he limped about the broken flak of motor car handling crimpled fender wings and bracelets of tar smacked hub irons, the idea grew soggy in the crab pot of his mind, and three days later, still itchy after a five hour skirmish against the parade of knocking characters, all of them old and sting covered by bees, he had the finest top hat in the district fitted over his incredible head, sure and warm and black like tongues.
The plague began there, at that accident site, like all plagues do. It would go on to dominate the cultural history of the Swanbriggs family for the next seventy years, tall wooden poles with antlers like gourds sprouting in all directions, following every descendant down every laneway without failure or delay. Swanbriggs doesn’t get the blame for it of course. He is much too busy corking wine.
Outside his misty windows the hat racks pile up and peer in longingly. They grow woodier every month.