RAINBOW CLOWN NEWS

Pilots in the area have been complaining for seven days about these vast unidentified bath tubs flying through the indian oceans of sky over hanging the east coast of Australia like solar curtains of translucent flesh. The pilots know what they are talking about. Four of them are Danish.

Nobody is sure what the bathtubs are doing flying about the east coast of Australia. Whoever is piloting these baths knows something about cosmic soap floating and the problems of fertilising clouds with filthy luke warm water full of ash and town grit. Whoever is doing this is no stranger to dampening brain moods among those who choose not to clean their armpit dirts.

Rainbow Clown News is on the lookout for new footage so we can buy it off you for a tiny sum and flog it off to the West Europeans for a song of some type. Possibly a reel. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, eye trumpets to the clotted dairy sky reader. There may be quite a lot of money in it for us if you strike a vision and let us know the time and place.

Nice luck!

Rainbow Clown News last week conducted our survey of modern Melbourne book shops, and god willing we rambled in and out of some of the strangest alley ways, arcades, lofts and stairwells around that strange big city stretch just now filling its own shoes.

Renford the Clown led the way early on down Swanston Street, shaking his fist at the errant tram drivers for so long Victorian spiders began arching down in big looping arcs, setting up shop in his novelty clown gloves, and generally causing many sturdy helpings of top shelf clown guffaws as Renford expressed his anger in various jugglings and general clown frolicking about. Finally Renford put aside his hate and suggested we ignore the tramings for the rest of the afternoon and ascend a series of stairs up to the best clown shop around.

Melbourne clowns know the shop I mean; Visiting clowns will spot it. Hidden between clothes stores and interesting cooking stops, bird faced shop workers frowning with their clogs set to stun, encasing fine never walked a day in their lives feet smelling of ambrosia, this shop, this music and film and book shop flashed with surprise finds, flickered with good luck discoveries, and had us all feeling awfully proud to be clown scribes in this dandy year of 2008.

Lance Armstrong the Clown went gaga nuts at some of the fine woven book cases and mesh glued CD cases, the LP sleeves smelling of wild tobacco leaf, new mexico harvests of old Syd Barrett vinyl smelling like a million dollar marijuana farmer after a St Matthews day cook out gone wrong. Lance was happy as a hatful of thieves, and I photographed his smile seven or eight times just to be sure it was smiling. Well it was. It was smiling like a prize of cats, polar cold and full of ice.

Later, after we had drained the Rainbow Clown News bank accounts and lumbered free of this dream clown store with our bags of paperbacks, vinyl and acid jazz cigarette addictions, we wandered further down along Swanston Street, stopped, drank milk, moved further along to our next location.

Lucky our milk was fresh…

(To be continued)

Rainbow Clown News staff have just returned from three nights in the new Green Coral Hotel currently hovering over Greece, and known to all good clowns as the ‘Elvis in the Clouds’. Shaped like a giant golden Elvis head, this grand hotel of restless floating travellers drifts between Turkey and Greece from month to month, and guests tend to have weird dreams about the King every night while on board.

Rainbow Clown News would like to recommend viewers visit The Elvis of the Clouds as soon as possible. One of our IT staff, HeeHaw Supreme, had a dream about Elvis brandishing a golf club while playing a match with three of the four living Mongolian Kaisers. He reports that it was the best dream he had had that week.

Have you noticed how the lobsters are having less fun in public nowadays? There isn’t anywhere near as much lobster joking about as there used to be. Once you could snorkle off Miami and bump into forty lobsters an hour all having lots of fun times, talking about parties and enjoying the coral, but this has become rare, at least along the reefs I have been frequenting. What changed? Where did the happy lobsters go?

There is a suggestion that they have all migrated to trees on the Norway coast. Reports are coming in of loud lobster parties in elms all around that coast. No proof yet of course, but it makes a lot of sense. I have always thought lobsters and the coast of norway made the perfect collection of amusing things bundled together, and this would make it all mean a lot more wouldn’t it.

Time will tell.

More evidence Roof Tennis is gaining a foothold in our glorious rainbow clown society. Regi Manifold the Happy Balloon Clown reports Roof Tennis sightings during a recent mad theatrical helicopter jaunt over New York City, and three days later, Chicago.

Clowns are advised to avoid any rooftop tennis enthusiasts in the coming months, late April being a particularly dangerous period. Highrise tennis buffs are likely to be eating pickled onion sandwiches and smelling of different fruity mosses.

Remember, if these jokers lob one of their green furry balls over the edge of the buildings they are playing on…well, just lets keep our eyes open for high velocity rooftop borne tennis balls in built up areas, eh?

The latest news is Pumpkin Lamps have been banned by Rainbow authorities in Germany. No more telling time by the light of the best Pumpkin Lamps in town, not in Bavaria at any rate.

This will have a marked effect on the rainbow writing in the region, and people will have to start eating more yoghurt to compensate.

There are suggestions clown crumbs are about to be outlawed everywhere from Paris to Mexico City. Babbit Threshold, the Mayor of the Orange South American Clown Society says he heard fro a reliable source (a clown) that clown crumbs are on the verge of being prohibited somewhere in Greece. Rainbow Clown News will keep you up to date on developments here.

What is the best spoon in the world? Rainbow Clown News has done a bit of snooping and have found that it is the teaspoon. The tablespoon was fine and got a lot of votes in the typing pool, but lets face facts, the teaspoon is a better spoon endurance-wise alone. Which spoon would you rather be clutching five hours into some type of desperate overnight dash to a friend’s house because he has just rented Christmas with the Cranks and has taken his phone off the hook and you are desperate to prevent him watching the thing because it is probably the worst collection of Dan Ackroyd chin shots ever assembled and sold to the public as some sort of reasonable watchable experience? Ha, rubbish, it is an atrocity waiting to happen, that heap of chins, and you know it.

 Of course, it is the teaspoon isn’t it, admit it.

Although ladels are alright too. Quality soup coverage.

Rainbow Clown News reporters do a lot of train travel. If you’re serious about the modern day mode of clown journalism then you need to use a train really. I use them five days a week, and sometimes you see some amazing stuff.

Last night I encountered a very peculiar person while riding on a train to Petrie in pursuit of some rumoured clown. I was sitting in the carriage, smoking of course, when I began to notice a peculiar fellow playing canasta alone. He was at least seven foot tall, had wavy red hair, and his tobacco seemed to me to be elementally wealthy with curling wispy grey green tentacles of lichen.

After I while I grew bored at watching him and returned to my novel. And later I got off at Petrie and went in pursuit of that clown. No luck. Bloody clowns.

Clown time is a term used by researchers to describe what happens when a Clown attempts to travel from a to b. Usually they tap into what is called ‘clown time’ and from there are able to travel great distances in very short periods. For instance, just say Rainier the Clown decides he wants to travel from Paris to Hobart on business. By putting on his favourite clown garb and clowning about, time begins to understand that this is a clown it is dealing with and it had better get down to business and give him a break. Time thus allows the clown to use clown time, speeding up travel and enabling them to travel around the world at terrific speeds.

Some scientists maintain that clown time does not exist. But clown time does exist, and there will be a lecture all about this in Brisbane late March at the Riverstage. It is called ‘Crosby Stills & Nash’.